rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
