The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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