my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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