he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
