This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
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