bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
