8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
