She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Still dying that you shit outside
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
