thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
