my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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