You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
