we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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