My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
