Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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