party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
