I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
