I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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