i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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