I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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