Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize