like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
