How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
