I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
