so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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