I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
