Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
