I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
