I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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