Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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