He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
