Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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