I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
