So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
