Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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