I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
