girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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