i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
