Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
