the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
