thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
