Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
