Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
