You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
