after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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