My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize