It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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