The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
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