Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
