Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
As shirtless as possible
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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