i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
