He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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