3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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