First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize