Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
