I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
