hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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