Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
