They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
