woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
