Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
