I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize